Men's Sexual Health by McCarthy Barry W.; Metz Michael E; & Michael E. Metz

Author:McCarthy, Barry W.; Metz, Michael E; & Michael E. Metz
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Routledge

Illustration 6.1: Jon and Sonia

Sonia, a petite, 28-year-old trial lawyer, would sometimes come home to Jon, a 29-year-old Ph.D. candidate in mathematics, and complain—even in tears—about a horrible day in the courtroom. She would lament to Jon that the judge, a "sexist tyrant," would deny her objections to the opposing counsel's innuendoes and even personally insult her: "Stop these objections and sit down, Sweetie ..." Jon at first felt protective and wanted to call the judge on the carpet but resisted this unreasonable strategy. In his love for Sonia, he would try to help by offering suggestions: "Ask the judge for a meeting in chambers to point out his rude behavior" or "File a complaint with the lawyers' bar."

As Jon continued to try to help, Sonia became even more upset with the horrible experience. Jon then tried even harder to handle Sonia's distress. When he finally said to her that "You're taking this all pretty hard, and I can't imagine it was that bad...." Sonia lost it and turned on Jon. He was stunned and hurt that his efforts to love and support her seemed so dramatically rejected. He walked out of the room, muttering under his breath "What a bitch!"

Not a good scene. So what happened? Sonia comes home to soothe her wounds. Jon tries mightily to take care of the woman he loves. How can their pro-intimacy intentions go so wrong?

In a nutshell, Jon blew an exceptional opportunity to provide empathy. He made the mistake of trying to be reasonable and logical when the situation called for empathy, not for rational problem-solving. What Sonia sought was a "safe harbor from the storm," where she wanted to be greeted with open arms and listened to so she could vent. Jon's trying to fix the problem not only missed the mark but made it worse by unintentionally criticizing Sonia. Think for a moment how it looks for a mathematician to be telling a trial lawyer how to handle the courtroom. Not a pretty picture! No wonder Sonia would get even more upset and then turn her anger toward Jon. This train wreck is sad because it was so unnecessary. A couple with good intentions is working against empathy.

Eventually Jon and Sonia calmed down and figured out what was happening. Jon learned that Sonia simply wanted a "Greek Chorus" (an amplification of her feelings, "You're really frustrated by all this") and validation ("What an ass the judge is"). Sonia learned that if Jon goofs and tries to problem-solve her feelings (a major error), she'd call time-out and ask for what she really wants; "Jon, please, I just want you to be my safe harbor...." Cooperation as an intimate team is good for both your general and sexual relationship.

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